Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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