put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
