i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
