I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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