i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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