I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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