God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
