My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
