Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
