K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
