I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
