Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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