He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
