I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
