i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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