is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
