My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
