i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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