all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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