I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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