I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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