Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
