So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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