it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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