you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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