Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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