The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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