Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
