I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Are we still banned from the library?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
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The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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