dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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