Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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