You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
