you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
