i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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