Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
