The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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