i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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