Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
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I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
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Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I want a musical about memes.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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