There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
