Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
