I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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I feel like everything in this room is sweating
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
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You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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