So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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