I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
