You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
