apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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