I want to have your abortion
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So much rum. So many feels.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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