She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
A+ Viking dick
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
