I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
