He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
