You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
