took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
