Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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