Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
