last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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