The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize